Nuts in Guatemala

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Nuts in Guatemala

Tuesday morning we returned to Cookies Etc for a quick breakfast followed by a latte and wifi at Café Bourbon. The British lad, Tom, walked by as we were sipping our coffee. Antigua is the kind of small town where you continually run into the same people, for better or worse. The original plan for the day had been to drive out to some of the nearby Mayan ruins for a bit of exploration. Mom found out that the ruins would be on the way to another one of our destinations later in the week, so we decided to postpone the visit. Instead, we decided to take a drive about fifteen minutes from town to visit a macadamia nut plantation.

The nut farm was called Valhalla, and had been run for the past thirty-some years by Larry, an expat from San Francisco. When we arrived, Larry greeted us by saying, “Welcome home!” Before getting tour of the operation, we investigated on our own. The farm was set on nine acres and was a green and lush oasis in a rather dry country, or a “dust bowl” as my father described it. The farm had been divided off into different areas with actively growing plants, and then terraced sections with tables and areas for entertaining. As I sat on the swing set, my dad noticed the aluminum trailer parked a few feet way. “That trailer is some serious hippy stuff! I don’t know about that, those hippies scare me!”

When we returned to the main meeting house on the farm, the tour before us was just ending. Larry’s workers were offering some mini-facials using the macadamia nut oil. I couldn’t pass up a free facial, so I gave it a try. Larry promised that the macadamia nut oil works wonders and told his harem to put extra on William’s sunburned face. Afterwards, we sat around and started to hear Larry’s well-rehearsed life story. He grew up in the San Francisco area, “on the corner of Haight and Ashbury! Unlike Bill Clinton, I inhaled, but I didn’t smoke!” He had worked as a fire fighter until he was 34 years old. We heard a long dramatic story about his near death experience in a burning building and how the biggest man in the department pulled him up “by the scruff of my neck, like a rag doll” before he was about to fall into the inferno. Some how, he ended up in Guatemala, where he “married his mistress” and stayed ever since.

Larry told us about all of the amazing properties of macadamia nuts. He claimed that it is the nut with the highest omega fat content. He said that the macadamia nut trees are able to take more carbon pollution out of the air than any other plant or tree. He said that it is just so healthy for the body and that many cosmetic companies contact him all the time. He said, “Did you noticed how quickly the oil was absorbed from your skin during the facial? Can you imagine how it is absorbed inside the body?!” Larry went on to say, “When I moved down here, I had bad arthritis. After eating a few nuts a day, no more arthritis!!” He proclaimed this while holding his hands up and wiggling his fingers. “I used to have pre-cancer on this bowling ball head of mine, but once I started putting macadamia nut oil on there, cancer cured!” He also pointed out that the oil was good for wrinkles, “But you need to be careful! You shouldn’t just put it on your face because the face would be so wrinkle free it wouldn’t match the rest of the body. You should put it on the breasts too!”

Larry convinced us we should try some of his amazing macadamia nut pancakes, as he had received offers of matrimony from his cooking. We were ready for a snack so we ordered up a round of pancakes and some other items off the menu. Larry moved us from inside the building to one of the shady tables outside. He said that he would like to join us for the meal and continue our conversation. While waiting for the food, he continued to tell his canned stories and quirky one-liners. He shared with us his experience with bananas. He claimed that he grew the ripest sweetest bananas here in Guatemala, then flash froze them and sent them to the US for use. Apparently the US government did not accept these bananas, because there was no way something that sweet could be natural.

Finally the pancakes and food came out. I was not about to get on one knee in front of Larry, but they were quite good. The pancake batter had ground macadamia nuts in it and the pancakes themselves were topped with macadamia nut butter and his homemade blueberry jam. We also tried some papaya, banana, and pineapple topped also with granola, nut butter and blueberry jam. I washed it down with a glass of hibiscus tea. It was a pretty delicious snack and all the while we continued to hear Larry’s crazy and slightly unbelievable tales. He told us all about his views on “mutant politicians,” his experience creating hundreds of different types of macadamia trees, and how “popcorn dry farts are the privilege of an old man.” We all got a bit worried when we noticed that his stories started to repeat themselves, as if the music had run out and CD was just on repeat. It was even more suspect when he offered up macadamia nut oil facials. We had to remind him that we’d already done that. I think Larry was growing more than just macadamia nuts on his farm….

We laughed about Larry the whole way back to Antigua and into the coming days. He was a certifiable nut himself. Crazy as he was, Larry was doing some good. You had to respect his motto, “"Lets make planet earth our church, and protecting it will be our religion." Larry would give macadamia nut seedling trees to the poor, indigenous farmers so that they could also start farms and make a livelihood. He also championed for the environment and advocated for as well as practiced organic and environmentally conscious farming. He would also spread these tools to the natives. I am still beyond skeptical that macadamia nut oil is capable of anything more than perhaps just boosting good cholesterol, but who cares!

After a crazy few hours with Larry, we all came back to Antigua where we enjoyed the last few sunny hours of daylight. On the way back, we made a short stop in the town of Jocotenango which is just outside of Antigua. We parked the car on the edge of the main town square that was facing a bright orange colonial church. The locals were out in the park eating street food from the vendors. William and mom bought some freshly peeled oranges that were sprinkled with a powder made of hot spices along with ground pepitas, or pumpkin seeds. It was a random combination but quite delicious. We also sampled a thin corn soup. It was almost the consistency of watery cream of wheat and was flavored with black beans and hot sauce. There was a sweet cinnamon version of the corn soup that was treated more like a hot drink.

For dinner that night, back in Antigua, the family took a stroll around to find a decent meal. Antigua really is a touristy town so there are restaurants offering everything from bagels, to pizza and sushi. We at least wanted something Latin or Guatemalan. As time wore on and hunger set in, we were lured into a touristy joint. It was a restaurant called Las Palmas. It looked okay on the outside, but once we sat down inside, we could see that the clientele was strictly just white tourists. This surely would not be the restaurant where we’d get authentic food. As we sat looking at the menu which included Chicken Parmesan and vegetable lasagna, a crew with video equipment came through. Clearly they were filming the place for some kind of commercial or tourist video. I questioned whether we really wanted to stay or not. My dad quickly said, “No. I think we should eject now! I don’t like how that place was filled with bouffant-y old women either!”

We all giggled while we ditched our table and filed out of the restaurant. About two blocks away, we happened upon another restaurant that looked much more “local.” Besides the shrimp ceviche, the food did leave much to be desired. Dad had ordered the cream of tomato soup, and when my mom saw the owner walk into the kitchen with a can of tomato soup in hand, we knew it would be downhill from there. You can’t win them all! Although I will say, that any meal in a third world country that doesn’t give one diarrhea should probably be considered a win regardless!

To learn more about the macadamia nut farm: http://www.exvalhalla.net/aboutus.htm