How to be British

2 March 2009

How to be British

While Anna and I were in Canterbury we stopped in a Waterstones bookstore where I bought a book called “How to be British” by Martyn Ford & Peter Legon. It looked like a humorous little book and something fun to read on the train ride home. We had a good laugh reading it and it really hit on all of the British cultural stereotypes so well. Here are a few that really hit home for me:

Dress Sense
I remember the first week when I arrived in London it was in the 30s-40s °F out every day, damp, and even with a spot of flurries at one point. I was bundled up in a shin length coat, sweater, scarf wrapped up to my chin, wool gloves and at times a cashmere hat. I would be walking around the streets and watch, in bewilderment, as scantily clad Brits meandered around town as if it were a spring day! On a cold weekend night, it was quite common to see young women in mini skirts barely covering their derrieres and high heels without stockings or leggings. There were the men in exercise shorts. Or even just those that walked around in a fleece or light coat when most of us would be wrapped up tightly in our winter woolies and still shivering! As the book says, “this is an example of our famous British toughness.”
Besides their deficiency of clothing during the winter, the Brits do have their own sense of fashion. There are the cute old men in tweed hats and herring bone coats. There are the old women wearing long housecoats. You see the punk rockers, the school uniforms, the hiphop style, the preppie style and virtually anything else under the sun. A few items that seemed to be trendy at the moment were bold colored leggings for women (magenta, cerulean, emerald green) under mini skirts.

Tea
To quote the book, “OK, so our trains may not run on time, our National Health Service is feeling the pressure, our schools don’t always get top marks, but at least we still make the best cup of tea in the world!” The British truly love their tea, it is not just a drink for ladies in wide-brimmed hats and flowery dresses, it is a way of life for man and woman alike. Tea is usually a blend of black teas, most traditionally served with milk and sometimes sugar. The teabags I got at Fortnum & Mason offer directions for brewing the perfect “cuppa” and this included, “Warming the teapot before use, using freshly boiled water, milk added first, and then sugar last.” Tea time is scheduled into everyone’s day. There is tea first thing in the morning, and perhaps another one around 3 or 4pm. In the hospital, we had our tea with biscuits during rounds. When I studied at University of Sussex, there was a tea room in each building on campus so that a good cup was always available. The British seem to think that a good cuppa tea solves everything. “Oh, you have had a bad day? How about a cuppa tea?” or “You’re tired? Nothing like a cuppa tea!” or “Haven’t seen you in awhile, shall we have a spot of tea?” Anna told me a story of when she went to visit a British friend in the summer. They had spent a sweaty day walking around London in 90 degree weather and her friend’s parents still insisted on frequent breaks for hot cups of tea!

Complaining
“In order to be British, or at any rate to pass unnoticed in British society, the visitor must learn not to make a fuss. A fuss is something that the true Brit cannot stand. It is nearly as bad as a scene, and in the same category as drawing attention to yourself.” When I went to see a West End performance of Oliver, I sat next to two 70 year old women from Northern England. They told me a story of how they had gone to Las Vegas a few years back to see Celine Dion perform. That weekend there was a celebrity golf tournament in town, so at the show there were many celebrities in the front rows. When Celine came out, she spent the first 45 minutes of the “show” having a chat with all of her celeb buddies in the crowd. The women told me that the crowd was in a uproar after so much time passed and she failed to start her performance. They screamed and booed and carried on until she took to the stage. The English women told me that they recognized that a group of British fans would not have such a strong response, they would just wait patiently for Celine to finish her conversations and start the show even if 45 minutes late. These women respected the Americans for speaking up so loudly and at the end, they were jeering Celine along with the Yanks.

Politeness
The British are known the world over for their good manners. In fact words just sound that much more polite when they are pronounced with a British accent. “Sorry is one of the most important words in the vocabulary of any true Brit.” The word sorry is a common way to start or end a sentence. “Sorry prepares a path, excuses faults, calms nerves and wipes the slate clean so that we can all be jolly together and not get upset.” Besides “sorry,” the words “please” and “thank you” are used most frequently. To the average North Easterner like myself, it is a new concept, however a refreshing one. When I was in the ICU, there was a patient close to 80 years old who had delirium secondary to sepsis on top of a few other issues. In her state of confusion, she would constantly moan and groan and was mainly fixated on water. Like a broken record she would say, “Ohhh please, may I have some water (waa-taah) please! Please, give me some water else I shall die!” She still managed to be polite even when delirious!
There was a sign outside of Charlotte’s flat that read, “Do not let your dog foul on the grassed area.” Can you possibly think of a more discreet and polite way to tell people not to let their dogs crap on the lawn??

The Bathroom
“Where other nationalities have to mange with a single mixer tap over the sink or washbasin, we British have two – one for washing the other for drinking from. Keeping them separate is both sensible & hygienic. And for those who wish to mix the two to a temperature of their own liking, we invented the plug which fits securely into the basin conveniently attached to a chain.” I still haven’t got the answer to this one…but on almost every single sink in England, there are separate taps for hot and cold. Inevitably one will be washing one’s hands and before one can get the soap off, one has either scalded them on the hot tap or made them numb with the cold. To remedy this, I have tried to turn both taps on simultaneously and quickly swoosh my hands from hot to cold and back and forth. This wasn’t too successful either. In some of the few single tap sinks I have used, I noticed that the water essentially came out in two jets within the faucet with one half being cold and one hot with some mixing in the middle.
The book included a humorous diagram of the typical British bathroom which included a tub identical to Charlotte’s with the separate hot and cold tabs and a sign hanging from the shower head on the wall saying “Out of Order.” The toilet in the drawing is the type with the water reservoir located above it on the wall and a chain to flush it. My favorite detail to the drawing is the man sitting in the bathroom cabinet reading a book with the caption, “Guest Room overspill.”

These little idiosyncrasies are just a few of the reasons that the British are such an endearing people!